It is the hardest thing, to see hearts beat slower, to watch them fade and become objects that you no longer possess. There is a pain in seeing the distance in a lover's eyes, a relentless burning when photographs are skimmed or anecdotes spill in drunken ramblings.
Yes, "love," we have been through life, sailed its roaring seas and discovered new worlds together. We have watched people swim in and out of view, held each other, been the lifeboats that get us both to the next destination.
We were unstoppable, a force not many understood. Then, I never questioned the value, truth, and bliss of "us."
Now that winds have changed and we have become older, I recognize that our hearts have pulled away from each other. The breathless anticipation has disappeared. Our sweaty days alone in a summer home, admiring our forms and sinking deep into each other's eyes and such are all but foreign to us now. I spent a week with you in your new home, and you paid me attention all but three times. I feel the distance, and it aches.
I have tasted freedom and pulled these lashes apart to see possibility. I understand that I can be desired, we all can, and every person deserves a love they are willing to give. If I can find the intellectual answer to all of my burning questions, the human figure that embodies my dreams and ambitions, then I will truly be happy.
It is cruel to hold your love back. There is a simple choice - hold them in your nurturing arms, proving that you will love them always, or let them go, watching the wind slip through their wings and knowing that this is what you have always wanted.
I've graduated high school.
Goodbye to many chapters that have been read and experienced, yet now slip from my mind.
It is time for the present. The golden textures of summer painting a screen before my eyes already.
Free love and lore... it's all happening.
The sun still shines in fall.
I feel my skin basking in its paradoxes.
In seven days I will wear my Betsey Johnson dress and smell like velvety woods and lavender.
I will eat gourmet food and stare into eyes of someone real in front of me.
Before my night of luxe, I will listen to a journalist and an author speak.
I will make it a goal of mine to see fall as a romantic season.
I will clean my surroundings and only keep clutter when it decorates, not disguises.
I will eat expensive chocolate and drink expensive wine and no one will care because I have been welcomed. I will dance with my loves and be one entity by the starlight of the morning hours.
Things are looking up, and I can only hope that they will remain to be as beautiful.
It is difficult for me to think of things I am thankful for, because I am convinced I could fill up an entire volume. At the same time I would be staring blankly in my own eyes searching for suggestions. When I look outside, I am searching. The sky was white as snow, gray as smoke. There is smoke swirling to the sky like we are all seeking for spirits. Snow is stuck like crystal leeches on automobiles in the city. The ground is covered with a neon orange of leaves falling from trees I've been convinced were dying. Funny how things come alive.
Music has been flooding my ears, wreaking havoc on the parts of me that wish to hum in silence. I am serenaded by everything and it is so perfect. I've given up on others, and I've taken in some like they are candy and I have lost it.
I'm glad I am spinning around in the fresh air again. For a second I thought I'd gone crazy.
I was published in the November '07 issue of Teen Ink.
You can read the published review HERE
- Music:"Gone" by The Black Crowes
It isn't difficult to escape the wind when you build up a sturdy cuccoon of objects. Films, books, and music rest in stacks on the cool floor of my bedroom. I want to experience everything. I want to fall in love with something again.
I have been so busy, I almost feel like I am a different person. I tag along with this girl, this strange girl who has joined clubs and goes to the same coffee shop everyday, and I feel like I am caught there; chained to her feet and growing very tired. Not to mention burdensome. But this is me, and these are the two shades of my mind lately. Last year it was so easy to avoid everyone and read a book a day. It was so easy to sit home and think about history and Kant and finches if I wanted to. It's more difficult now.
I learn so much, and I want to keep it all in, I want to really enjoy it. But the passion is slipping as papers pile in front of me and my novels get hidden under carbon copies of the same lost dream.
However, I have grown in some ways, as I write so much more that isn't a foul-smelling rambling that spills from nowhere. I write fiction, I write reviews, and I write essays that mean something to me. I feel my voice shaping and my opinions breaking through the chrysalis.
Newspaper has helped me in some ways, giving me a real medium to and a real deadline to spill out something genuine. I suppose it's nice to hear people who've read your article. Not that the notoriety is something I can say I wish to have. But recognition is often the kick one needs to jump a bit higher.
I have been trying to get out more, and I don't just mean from school to work and all places in between. I gave in and started in-car, so hopefully I can finally be alone for a while to finish all that I've started. I really feel my life narrowing into the size of a cubicle or a panic room. I really wish I could spread my wings outside of this little bubble. I need to meet more people, maybe.
Well at any rate, a few exciting things have happened, so it isn't all a standard teenage sigh.
I became Vice President of Students Active For The Environment, which I am excited about.
A Halloween story I wrote might get in the school paper with a few others, but I'm not entirely sure yet, so I'm not counting on it. I do, however, have to produce a drawing that goes with it. Should be interesting.Oh, and... I met Amy Sedaris!!
( More Pics From Amy"s Visit to Akron!Collapse )
She gave me a free magic fairy wand, told me she liked my hair, and signed her book for me. It was fantastic!( Assorted Pictures of Ma Vie...Collapse )
Book Sale @ library
Video sale @ Hollywood Video
Thrift store (for Halloween costumes)
One week until my party!
The weather is getting colder, the way it feels when everything I experience blends together in this snowglobe of time I wish I didn't lose. My bedroom lies at the highest point in my house, and when the wind blows it circles in and out of each window freezing the wooden floors and planting a perfume of maple and pine all throughout. The season brings back time I'd like to forget, but in a sense I wish I could remember so deeply. Last year was a time of firsts, which lead to the Spring of lasts. I wonder if the burnt colors and open air will spark a year that is entirely new for me.
I can't say that I've grown in my Junior year, but perhaps the aspect of growth is something that can only be observed through reflection. For one thing, I haven't been this happy in a while. It's nice to realize that the ghosts of pale days have crept back to their place in my imagination, and I can live my life without the burden of some space in my brain creeping back up to spread its virus in the present.
There's something about Fall that makes me feel this way. It's often difficult to explain, the way feeling mesmerized is hard to explain. Working at the library has been great, and I've been putting so many items on hold that I've been waiting to experience. Walking around my neighborhood with the wind secreting the first scent of snow, listening to so much music. Polaris and R.E.M. define my kind of autumn.
The pumpkins have been places out on lawns... one of my favorite things to see. I don't know if it's childhood crawling back into my psyche again, but I get this christmas type of feeling when I see gourds and orange dots speckling the town. I smell rain and cider and something just triggers this instinct to leave my house and feel nature all over my skin and in my lungs.
I walked through Artapalooza last weekend, running my hands through stained glass shaped like jellyfish and feathers. Letting my eyes catch the rays reflected on the icy water of the pond in the center of the market. It felt like a trail I would find when I was small... maybe searching for ghosts inside hollow trees or in a thousand buried jars. I had an imagination then. Perhaps it comes back to find me when the sun goes down and the earth becomes so cold.
Next week should be good...
+The Office season 4 premiere
+Hike with Environment club
+The Melvins concert
- Music:"Air Of December" by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians
It's hard to believe that things can change, they can mirror themselves as perfectly as matter but they are a parallel almost blinding to what makes you feel.
I can't believe how happy I've been inside of this completely normal jar. I am in a relationship that keeps going up and up like a swirling rocket or a note written on a balloon. There is something that is so different to me- no emotional meltdowns (from either party), no uncomfortable breaks in conversation or activity. No tension in the darkroom because I need the attention I'm not getting. Everything is just.. good. It's foreign but it makes me feel human, and I suppose that's what matters.
School has started, I've been aware that this is the year that matters, and I've been using my energy to experience, and not just to let words and time sink into me like a wall of absorption. I've been speaking up, offering opinions, and reading too many books. My classes are perfect for what interests me and what I am willing to take in.
I walk to work from school, so it's like this story book I can pull out from the depths of my memory.
I can't believe I'm joining clubs, have a boyfriend, and have a job I love at the library. This is like a shitty teenage series. I can't believe I like it so much.
Last night I went to the football game with Dylan (we'll call this book #8) which was a lot different than in middle school. I didn't feel this colorful blast of endorphins, but I didn't feel like the concrete the entire suburb walked upon. I just felt each step and each person I met and it was just really good. A new perspective on an old past time.
I saw someone from my past I don't care about anymore, who is dating/dated my neighbor, and I just avoided all of that. Instead I convinced a group of people I just met to walk over to the dark playground to swing.
It was a lot of fun, I met a really cool girl, and the grass was much longer than the city prefers. Something I appreciate.
( + PEOPLE PICTURESCollapse )
- Music:"Baby Help Me Forget" by Green River
The rain gathered in tiny jars,
the ocean's everyday song,
his hands along the cellar walls.
She is sapphire
Eyes heavy like smoke
burning their fire to create
ashy nothings which fuel the music.
Dreams gathered in seams
Folded like paper cranes
in the blue atmosphere.
She is not alone.
Sisters dance in the moonlight,
their celestial fire haunting midnight.
Aquamarine and alice
the goddess waits by her madness.
Diamonds pool around the dust
of her gray eyes.
Sisters chime their serenade
gazing at life's tricky hand.
The royal fog of cloudy days
exposes blue dances
which crown their mermaid figures.
Forever gypsy hymns
Chime through our perception.
- Music:Pink Moon - Nick Drake
What a whirlwind of a week!
I spent six days at an Honors Institute
Workshop for Creative Writing at BGSU
, and I feel so refreshed, experienced, and eager to keep learning. My entire world was college for this week. Finally I was able to walk around an inspiring town to my classes, passing sunflowers and jade-colored trees as I made my way past each beautiful building.
I learned so much, wrote some interesting things, and met some amazing people.
I was pleased that I finally got the chance to interact with pretty girls who only talk about interesting things like books and school. I thought those kinds of females only existed on Gilmore Girls
or in books I've read. It was refreshing to meet people of value and intelligence.
It's difficult for me to explain my experience in great detail, so here are some pictures...( *PHOTO-JOURNAL OF BGSU*Collapse )
It feels comforting to be home after so much excitement
and exertion of the mind and feet.
I was constantly tired,
but never felt depressed or on edge.
It was such a relief to interact with such interesting people and places.
- Music:"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
I find myself going into situations where I think I'll be filled with resentment and loneliness, so I try to hide myself, my physical self, so I don't have to experience what I think will blacken my perception.
Tonight was like that. I assumed I would walk into my cousin's wedding a stranger, an alien to this tribe. Things changed abruptly. It wasn't a day for me to be noticed or to be congratulated about my
life. Yet somehow it happened with almost everyone I came in contact with.
Old men called me a "knockout" and asked me to dance to Outkast.
The ceremony was beautiful, something I find foreign to say. The air was so clear, the colors an ocean shade. Strangers walked out on their balconies from far away to witness the celebration. As we left the event, I saw sailboats moving slowly like clouds across the crystal blue water. Today was the most vibrant summer I've witnessed.
At the reception I sneaked wine into coffee mugs and felt pretty good. I found myself dancing more than I can ever recall, most notably with a circle of retirees to "The Humpty Dance", "Billie Jean", and "Push It."
Everyone had starry eyes and looked so beautiful. They seemed so interested in my
life, and I barely even knew them. One of my cousins (who I haven't seen in probably a decade) told me she is an English major, and said I could call her at any time if I needed help with writing or any life situation. I thought that was so kind.
By the end of the night the sky was lucid and black, the air bit at my skin with its chill.
I felt so alive, and bonded with one of my older cousins. It's times like these I wish I were just a few years older so that I could spend my realities with people like that.
I am so in love with experience.
I'm spending the week in a college workshop, only holding my trust in new people.
I hope it will be like the dance floor tonight; you know no one, but you bond over the moment you're in and can't escape from.
( PICTURES- -MIDSUMMERCollapse )
- Music:"Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega